


more myself than i am

by eberbae (dustyjournal)



Series: alter!verse [5]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Animal Transformation, M/M, Pining, bear!lucic, otter!maroon, puppy!Matt, puppy!drake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 11:34:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11312538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustyjournal/pseuds/eberbae
Summary: Drake has always been envious of his own alter.





	more myself than i am

**Author's Note:**

> This...was supposed to be a drabble. You know how these things go. 
> 
> Thank you to remembermyfic for betaing (and generally kicking my ass into gear) and to LJ for cheerleading this into existence.

Drake has always been envious of his own alter. It's stupid and childish, but he just is. Every time he starts thinking about getting cut, about not being good enough to make it and make it _last_ , he resents his puppy form a little bit more.  
  
It's not that his alter takes up too much of his own time or that it causes trouble. It's the opposite, really. His alter is nothing but happy and carefree, just excited about anything and everything. Loving, and unconditionally loved. His alter can do no wrong, while his human form is pushed to do every little thing right.  
  
The worst part, he thinks, is that he can barely remember his time as a puppy. He gets so out of his head, so "primal", as his mother would say, that all he's left with is a feeling of contentment and mild confusion. And a dozen pictures from whoever he changed in front of detailing all the cute things his alter did.  
  
He's really not sure if anyone else has feelings like this towards the other half of themselves. He doesn't really want to ask anyone about it. But there are times when that itch, that feeling that's almost impossible to ignore, to change, that he wishes he could just never change again. He pushes it down, down, for as long as he can. It’s not worth fussing about, it’s not worth the emotional investment when he has hockey to learn, training to do; ways he needs to get better so he can make it.

But then he makes it. He makes it to the fucking NHL and it's amazing. He's even playing with Davo - whom he witnessed get pantsed at a party when Drake was 16. Davo had turned beet red and asked every single person in the room not to take pictures. 

(Now _that's_ someone Drake doesn't really envy - at least Drake still has some privacy).

There's someone else, too, someone he didn't think he'd click with so quickly. Matt Benning - Benny, Matty, Secret Carpool Karaoke King - the quietest but wittiest guy Drake's ever met becomes Drake's best friend no longer than a week into September. They have so much in common, so many shared experiences and interests, that it's almost scary. Sure, Matty's a defenseman, but that just means he can help Drake become a better two-way forward. Drake's riding a high that he never could have fathomed. 

Something about Matt makes Drake feel at home, the same way watching old family videos on a road trip makes Drake feel a little more settled. It’s something that Drake doesn’t know how to put into words, nor does he want to try. He thinks he knows where that may lead, and he’s not willing to open that can of worms just yet.

Even now, their elbows knocking together as they battle it out for Ultimate MarioKart Champion, there’s a comfort to it all.

Unfortunately, it’s interrupted by the insistent ringing of Drake’s phone. He considers ignoring it, but it’s Davo - his mind immediately wonders if they’ve missed some sort of team bonding. When Matt shrugs, unsure as to the nature of the call as well, Drake hits pause on the game and picks up the phone with a cheerful, “Hello?”

“Hey, dude,” Davo starts, sounding a little panicked but obviously trying to hide it. “What are you up to right now? Busy?”

“Nah, just with Benny. What’s up?” Drake stands; something in Davo’s voice makes Drake too anxious to sit still.

“Uh, Patty needs some help.”

Drake doesn’t need to guess what that help may be. Pat rarely, if ever, needs help as a human, and Davo doesn’t get shaken up by much. “What can we do?” he asks.

Sure enough: “I don’t know if he’s changed yet, but I’m on the other end of the city. You’re closest and-”

“Got it,” Drake says, already heading for the door.

Davo breathes out heavily. “Thanks, dude. He has a key hidden in the plant on the right side.”

“Don’t mention it. I’ll text you when we’re all clear.”

Drake hangs up and puts on his shoes. He jumps when Matt appears beside him.

“What happened?” Matt asks, concerned.

Drake hands Matt his shoes, shoves his phone in his pocket. “Patty changed alone and Davo’s worried about him.”

Drake opens the door and Matt is right on his heels, whispering, “His otter doesn’t cause trouble, right? He’ll be okay on his own until we get there.” It sounds like Matt’s trying to calm both himself and Drake down and he may be making good points, but they both know that changing alone can be disorienting, and dangerous.

They hop in Drake’s car and get to Pat’s in record time. The key is right where Davo said it’d be. Drake opens the door slowly and they enter slowly, cautiously. Neither of them knows exactly what to expect, and it’s a surprise when they hear the sound of running water and chirping from the kitchen. Drake and Matt take a split second to look at each other before sprinting to the source.  
  
They find Pat, in his otter form, in his sink with the tap on full blast. His whole body just barely fits in the sink but he seems to be enjoying himself quite a lot, if the way he's chirping and rolling under the stream of water is any indication.

Both Drake and Matt let out sighs of relief, and Drake sends Davo an _all good_ text. Pat notices them then, and chirps loudly. Drake’s only seen Pat’s alter a couple of times, all at team get-togethers and has never had to take care of him, so he’s a little lost as to what to do next.

“Do you want me to make sure his place isn’t a mess?” Matt asks cautiously, and that’s a great idea. Drake nods, relieved that he’s not the only one who doesn’t really know what to do or how to react.

Before Matt leaves, though, Drake stops him up by putting his hand on Matt’s forearm. He panics, because he’s probably holding on too long, right? He shouldn’t be, like, _holding_ Matt’s arm like this. He pulls his hand away quickly and stutters out, “Do we…should we take him back to my place?”

Matt shrugs. “Why not?”

And, well, Matt just makes it seem so _easy._ It is, it should be, Drake surmises.

While Matt does a lap of Pat’s place, Drake approaches the sink. Pat appears to be trying to put the plug into the drain, and looks to Drake with dissatisfaction written all over his face.

“You want to swim?” Drake asks.

Pat virtually yells back, and that’s all the confirmation Drake needs.

“Come on out, then,” Drake says, turning off the tap, “we’ll take you to my place where there’s a big tub.”

Pat loves that idea, because he jumps out of the sink and onto the countertop lightning-fast, putting his paws to Drake’s chest. Drake doesn’t really get it until Pat smacks Drake’s chest a couple of times and reaching his head towards Drake’s shoulder. Drake holds out his hands to help Pat up onto his shoulders, and Pat curls around tightly. Drake’s whole shirt is soaked in a matter of moments, and Drake would be annoyed if Pat wasn’t currently the cutest thing on the planet.

Matt returns with a smile and a bag of some of Pat’s clothing, then gives Drake a thumbs-up. All potential crises averted, then.

“You sure gave Davo a spook,” Drake says softly to Pat. Pat chirps sadly, hits Drake’s chest once before extending his tail to where Drake’s phone is tucked in his pocket, headbutting Drake’s chin lightly. “Yeah, he knows you’re okay.”

Pat relaxes back to his more natural position around Drake’s neck, and Drake nods once at Matt.

“Good to go?” Matt asks.

Drake answers in the affirmative, but Pat makes an alarmed sound, then pokes at Drake’s cheek rapidly until Drake lets him down. Not a moment after being placed down, Pat darts down the hall. Drake and Matt both follow, and it’s a good thing they do because Pat has distracted himself with a rubber ducky, rolling around on the floor of his bathroom with it happily.

Drake kneels down slowly. “Pat,” he says softly.

Pat jerks his head up, frozen like he’s been caught. He yips like he’s apologizing, then holds out the ducky for Drake to take. Drake passes it to Matt and then helps Pat back onto his shoulders.

“Good call,” Drake assures. “Now can we go?”

Pat chirps happily so they all head to Drake’s car. Matt drives, because as reasonable as Pat can be in his alter, he also gets a little clingy and refuses to unwrap from Drake’s shoulders.

Once safely back at Drake’s, Matt jogs to the bathroom to fill up the bathtub. Drake takes a bit more time, Snapping a picture of himself and Pat for the guys, all Pat-approved. Pat even ensures Davo gets the picture - even as an otter, Pat looks after Davo’s sanity. Drake appreciates how calm and collected Pat is; it’s just like hanging out with him any other time. He’s just as loud and cuddly as ever, too.

The bath is half-filled and rising when Drake and Pat make it to the bathroom, rubber ducky floating in the center, and Matt smiles at them both. Drake’s stomach does a little flip and he hides a blush. He really needs to work on staying cool - it’s just a _smile,_ dammit, and it’s not even really directed at him.

Pat chirps happily and jumps from Drake’s shoulders to Matt’s lap, then straight into the water. He makes a huge splash, making Matt flinch away as his pants get wet. Drake and Matt share a laugh; there’s no use changing out of their wet clothes if Pat's going to act like a little shit the whole time.

They watch Pat splash and swim around for awhile. Matt puts on some music and Drake starts to sing along...badly.  
  
"You should stick to your day job," Matt teases, giggling as Drake only sings louder to an honestly fantastic Shawn Mendes song.  
  
Pat chirps at them, like he's laughing about it, and Drake starts to serenade him. Matt's laughing too and starts singing along to the few words that he knows. Drake grabs Pat’s face with one hand and breaks out into a fit of laughter as Pat tries to wrestle away from it, splashing Drake in the process.

Matt starts laughing too, moving down to sit on the bathroom floor beside Drake and leaning against him as they can't seem to stop giggling. Pat splashes them a couple of times, then throws his rubber ducky at Matt.  
  
"Hey!" Matt says through a giggle that's so cute Drake wants to live in it forever. "Well," he continues casually, putting the ducky behind his back, "I guess it's mine now."  
  
Pat yells and reaches his arms out, indignant and demanding. When Matt refuses, Pat jumps out of the tub and onto his lap, drenching Matt with water as he tries to find the toy.  
  
"You're cruel," Drake scolds as he takes the rubber ducky from Matt when Matt holds it high in the air. Pat jumps from Matt's lap to Drake's, looking at Drake with wide, expectant eyes.  
  
Drake hands Pat the rubber ducky and Pat boops Drake's chin with his nose, then sticks his tongue out at Matt. That makes Drake and Matt erupt into another fit of laughter, one that ends with them pressed all up each other's sides.  
  
Pat's in the tub and he's not really paying attention to them anymore, just floating on his back and flipping the ducky around. That means when Drake turns his head and catches Matt's eye, it seems private. Close. Weighted. It would be so easy to lean in, let the lightness of the situation carry them through a breathless first kiss.  
  
Drake, the coward that he is, scoots away from Matt a good half-foot. It's just- too close. He needs to breathe and think about how careless he’s being.  
  
"Uh," Drake starts awkwardly, "d'you need anything from the kitchen? Drink? Snack?"  
  
"I'm good," Matt answers, neutral.  
  
Drake stays seated. It's awkward. They just watch Pat do somersaults for awhile in the now-filled tub.

Matt breaks the silence not too long later. “Hey, would you mind if I changed too?”

Drake doesn’t mean to look shocked, but apparently that’s the vibe he gives off because Matt rushes to say, “I don’t have to. I mean, like, it’s been a little while? And it’s always better for me to change around others, and -”

“No, no!” Drake interrupts. “I mean, yeah, go right ahead! It’s cool.”

Matt pauses. “You sure?”

Drake nods, maybe too emphatically. “Definitely. Need anything?”

“Nah,” Matt says, uncrossing his legs and stepping around Drake to exit the bathroom. “Well, maybe a bowl of water. No rush, though.”

Drake realizes then that he doesn’t actually know what Matt’s alter is. Matt’s never changed with the team or really talked about his alter at all, but Drake already has a few guesses on what it could be. “Got it,” he says, and then Matt’s gone, door left slightly ajar.

Pat chirps at Drake, but when Drake looks back Pat just stares, standing up straight in the tub. Like he’s trying to telepathically tell Drake something.

“What?” Drake asks defensively.

Somehow, it’s possible for Pat to look both pissed and amused at the same time. Drake loses the staring contest, thinking about what Pat could be upset with him about. Drake doesn’t think he’s been super obvious with his crush, and he wasn’t an asshole to Matt about wanting to change, so Drake will just have to ask Pat when Pat’s human again.

Matt’s gone just long enough for Drake to start getting worried, when Drake hears the sound of little nails against his hardwood floor. Matt’s definitely running on four legs, and Drake opens the bathroom door more to allow whatever’s Matt’s alter is inside.

To say that he’s taken aback when a chocolate lab puppy comes bounding in, immediately jumping into Drake’s lap and barking happily, is an understatement.

A puppy.

_Matt’s a puppy._

Like Drake.

Well, a different breed - Drake’s alter is a german shepherd. But that’s not important, and Drake shouldn’t be freaking out about it. He really, really shouldn’t. Right now Drake has to deal with the little ball of happiness currently trying to lick his face off.

It doesn’t help his crush on human Matt, like, at all. Drake despairs.

“Benny, dude, calm down!” Drake says, his own giggling undermining how stern he’s trying to be.

Matt stops licking Drake’s face, but he doesn’t pull too far away. Drake’s holding Matt’s small but sturdy form steady, gently rubbing his soft and short fur as Matt pants and wags his tail. Drake closes the door; he can’t have two excitable alters running around his apartment, even if Pat doesn’t look like he’s leaving the bath any time soon.

Pat splashes beside them, rolling over and moving to the edge of the tub to inspect Matt. Matt barks and lunges at Pat, obviously wanting to investigate and show some love. Fortunately, Drake manages to grab Matt before the puppy falls into the water, but Matt doesn’t seem to care at all. He reaches his little body out to sniff at Pat as Pat kind of does the same, Matt’s tail wagging so much that it almost hits Drake in the face.

Drake turns Matt around, scratching behind his ears and shushing him to get him to calm down a bit. “I don’t think you want to go in there, you’ll get all wet,” Drake reasons. But Matt doesn’t seem to stay in his own head while in his alter, because he just starts sniffing Drake’s arms, licking his hands, and squirming about.

 _This must be what I’m like when I change_ . _No wonder people say I’m cute,_ Drake thinks, a little bitterly. It works on Matt, it really does. The fact that Matt can be so well-adjusted about it all only makes the resentful knot in Drake’s chest tighten.

Putting that thought away, Drake readjusts so he’s sitting cross-legged again, still holding Matt’s very persistent body close to his chest. “Are you okay to change back?” Drake asks Pat. “I don’t think Benny’s going to stop trying to play with you, and I’m guessing he won’t like it very much when he falls in.”

Pat chirps back a little sadly, pushing away from the tub’s edge so he’s floating on his back, clutching the rubber ducky.

“Okay, okay, take as long as you want,” Drake concedes. “But if Benny gets in there, he’s your problem.”

Matt barks, his squirming getting more insistent. Drake finally lets him go and Matt kind of loses his mind. He starts exploring the bathroom, every nook and cranny, sniffing and studying everything. Fortunately, he never actually tries to get into the bathtub - can’t, really, when he’s not big enough to even look over the edge of it. He comes back to Drake a lot and Drake pets him and scratches his belly and generally just becomes enamored with this form of Matt, too.

A bit of panic begins to rise in Drake, though, thinking about the aftermath of this whole situation. Matt would never explicitly ask what Drake’s alter is, but it almost seems necessary to share, now. They’re good friends, and Drake trusts Matt as much as he trusts any family or friend. It almost seems like the only fair thing to do would be to tell him.

With Pat, though, Drake doesn’t feel this obligation. He doesn’t need to guess why.

He doesn’t know what to do. Maybe he doesn’t have to worry about that just yet. Right now, he can focus on taking care of the otter and the puppy currently inhabiting his too-small bathroom.

Matt gets bored after not too long, and starts sniffing the space beneath the door like he’s on a mission. It almost breaks Drake’s heart to keep him in there; he may not remember his time as a puppy but he can almost feel that need to explore, to try to discover everything. Watching Matt makes Drake twitch with the need to change, which he almost never gets anymore. He doesn’t think too much about it, just distracts Matt with a belly rub as he turns to Pat.

“How much more time do you want?” Drake asks. He can be patient with Pat for sure, but they’re talking about convenience, now.

Pat blinks once, twice, then gently noses the duck onto the bathroom floor. Drake picks it up, puts it on the counter behind him, and then watches as Pat clambers over the edge of the tub and onto the toilet seat.

“You sure?” Drake asks.

Pat chirps once, a little loudly. Matt barks in response, and Drake has to shush him with a pat to his head.

“Okay, see you outside,” Drake says. He puts a towel on the toilet seat, around Pat, for Pat to dry off with a little bit.

Drake then opens the door and Matt shoots out like a bullet from a gun, running to explore the rest of the apartment. Drake follows happily, making sure there’s nothing dangerous around. Matt keeps coming back to Drake and bringing him random items, but Drake has to remind him that no, they can’t play fetch inside.

It’s actually pretty awesome.

Matt takes a long time in the kitchen, sniffing every cabinet like he needs to know their exact contents. Drake realizes, then, that they haven't eaten for a long time. His stomach rumbles to support this thought, so Drake starts to look for food enough for two hockey players and a puppy.  
  
He usually keeps a pretty well-stocked place, but his cupboards and fridge are far too empty right now. Matt starts to whine, jumping on Drake's legs and trying to get at the bags of chips Drake keeps on the floor of his pantry, and Drake has to pick him up. Matt licks his face once, then starts panting with what can only be a smile on his face.  
  
"No dog food?" comes Pat's voice from behind Drake, nearly making him jump. Matt barks and wiggles out of Drake's arms, scrabbling to say hi to Pat.  
  
Pat kneels down and lets Matt jump up, even lets Matt lick his face and sniff his neck and it's almost too much for Drake to watch.  
  
"I've got fuck all," Drake admits. "You okay if we order in?"  
  
Pat doesn't answer right away because he gets a little preoccupied play-wrestling with Matt. When he effectively has Matt pinned, he gives Matt one quick belly rub and says, "I'm good with anything. Pizza, maybe?"  
  
Drake laughs. "Sounds good. And what should we get for Benny?"  
  
Matt, who was just chasing his short little tail, barks, then puts his front down and haunches up. He doesn’t seem to care too much about food at the moment.  
  
"Ask for some breadsticks?" Pat suggests, which isn't a bad idea. Matt might change back by then, anyway.  
  
Drake places the order while Pat plays with Matt some more. When Drake returns, Pat's using some rope that he found who knows where to play tug-of-war. Matt stops, though, when Drake enters the room, running up to him like Drake's been gone for years instead of five minutes.  
  
"Sorry we can't play outside," Drake says, a little to Pat but mostly to Matt. Matt doesn't seem to care, just starts running in circles around the room like some kind of game of tag that only he's playing.

It’s nice to just relax like this, and when the pizza and breadsticks arrive, Matt’s still in his puppy form. He scarfs down probably too many breadsticks (and maybe some scraps of pizza that Drake feeds him) and drinks a whole bowl of water, then makes himself at home on Drake’s lap. Drake pets Matt’s back absentmindedly as he and Pat make conversation, and soon Matt’s snoozing away.

“Thanks for hanging out with me,” Pat says, helping himself to a final piece of pizza.

Drake picks his words carefully; as open as Pat is with his alter form, no one really likes to feel like they have to be rescued. “Anytime, man. Gimme a call whenever you want some company. I think Benny’s enjoyed himself, too.”

“Tough to say.” Pat chuckles. “Y’know, Lil’ Rig’s starting to worry about this whole alter business. It’s not like the puberty talk, either. Kid’s terrified he’s going to turn into a pterodactyl, I swear.”

Drake thinks back to when he was getting close to the age to change, how he hadn’t been nervous about it at all because nothing was going to keep him from following his dream of playing hockey. Still, he tries to think about what it must be like for Anthony.

“Just tell him to roll with it.” Easier said than done. “He’ll probably love it.” He thinks he succeeds at not sounding bitter.

Pat nods, pensive. “I’ll tell him you said that,” he says after a moment, then nods in Matt’s direction.“You’re good with him.”

“It’s not too hard to play with a puppy,” Drake counters lightly.

“Nah, I guess not,” Pat says, neutral in such a way that it puts Drake’s back up. Drake hopes that’s the end of it, but then Pat looks at him with a glint in his eye. “You two get along well all the time.”

It could be just a statement. Drake could just agree and move on. But the way Pat is looking at him, the way his voice is laced with a hint of understanding, makes Drake flush and look down. He pets Matt’s back once, takes a breath.

“It’s not...like that,” Drake says, voice flat. “He doesn’t-” He looks up, sets his jaw. “Doesn’t matter. Can’t focus on that right now, you know?”

Pat’s expression softens and it’s his turn to avert his gaze briefly. “Whatever you say, Caggs. Hey, you want to see Lil’ Rig destroy a water bottle with a slapshot?”

Pat shows him the video and they shoot the shit for awhile longer, but then Pat orders an uber to head home and call Anthony. Drake walks him out, carrying Matt along with them. Matt stirs after only a few steps after being picked up, wiggling so he’s more comfortable in Drake’s cradled arms.

“See you at practice,” Pat says to the both of them. Drake returns the sentiment, and then Pat’s gone.

Matt whines, tries to sniff the door. Drake scratches between Matt’s ears, then puts him down on the welcome mat.

Matt doesn’t move from his spot. He looks up at Drake, tail wagging, and barks.

“What d’you want, Matty?” Drake asks. “Still hungry?”

No response, just more tail wagging.

“Walk?”

No response.

“Wanna change back?”

Matt barks again. Drake hopes it’s not too loud.

“Okay,” Drake says, picking Matt up. It seems like, more than anything, Matt just wanted to be held again, because when Drake takes him over to his guest bedroom where Matt had left his clothes, Matt doesn’t try to wriggle free. Still, Drake sets Matt down and Matt doesn’t protest.

Drake’s not entirely sure if this is actually want Matt wants, but he figures Matt will follow him if he’s changed his mind. He pulls the door almost closed, leaving Matt perched on the bed, and goes to destroy the evidence of their cheat meal.

Drake almost sighs with relief when, a short while later, he hears two feet coming around the hall instead of four.

Matt’s scratching his hair and scrunching his eyes like he’s just awoken from a nap, and Drake’s traitorous brain lets his mind wander to what it would be like if it was like this all the time: Matt joining Drake in the kitchen and pressing his body all up behind him, wrapping his arms around Drake’s waist and kissing his neck, cheek, lips-

“Hey,” Drake interrupts his own thoughts lamely. “How’re you doing?”

“Mm, good,” Matt replies. He even _sounds_ sleepy.

Focus, Drake.

“Want to get back to MarioKart?” Drake offers, trying to play it cool. He sees Matt nod in the corner of his eye.

“Sure.”

It’s more comfortable than Drake could’ve imagined to go back into just hanging out. Matt asks Drake a few questions - turns out he doesn’t remember much from his time as a puppy either - but otherwise everything seems normal.

And, well, why shouldn’t it?

\--

The weeks race by, but the one thing that doesn’t change is the way Drake wants to kiss Matt. Like, all the time. It starts slow; the time apart starts to take on a thought pattern of denial, of how there’s no way Matt could want to kiss Drake the way Drake wants to kiss Matt. But when they’re together… Matt likes to get close, to cuddle and play-fight and generally, unintentionally, make Drake’s life hell. But Drake wouldn’t change that for anything, wouldn’t give away any time with Matt even if it means spending more time biting his tongue and taking cold showers.

Still, the time flies, the Oilers win more than they lose, and then it’s December. Matt sneaks a flask of Jack into the Oilers' Christmas party, acting all secretive about it - which is hilarious because it's an open bar. Drake doesn't complain, though. Matt's only sharing with him, even though there are six other guys at the table. Something about that makes Drake feel...special. Like he and Matt really are as close as Drake hopes they are.  
  
They eat, and take the shots that the guys bring to the table, and then not-so-covertly take shots from Matt's flask. Pretty soon, Drake's feeling warm and happy and not so worried about scooching his chair closer and closer to Matt until they're pressed against each other's sides, arms almost interlocked. It's so they can share the flask better. Yeah, that's it.

By the time Davo goes up to give one of his ever-endearing, ever-car-wreck-like speeches, Drake's giggling with every bad joke Matt tells him, every snapchat filter they try out. (It's hard to stop giggling, with Matt. It's hard to stop feeling good, with Matt.)  
  
Drake doesn't even mind when Davo announces that each rookie is part of the entertainment, having to sing their own karaoke Christmas song in front of everyone. Drake almost feels confident with it, like he could show these guys a thing or two about how to carry a tune.  
  
Pools goes first, and Drake doesn't stop smiling as the kid adorably, happily sings "Jingle Bells" in English. Drake knows Pools loves to sing and rap; he got Drake to teach him all the English Christmas songs weeks ago, not waiting a moment to start turning it into a rap song. Drake cheers the loudest, though Matty's a close contender, when Jesse finishes. Then it's Drake's turn, and he does his best not to stumble up to the stage. He succeeds, he's pretty sure.  
  
He...doesn't really remember what he sings. Nor does he remember what Matt sings. For his own, he's just focused on not falling over - okay, so he's more than tipsy, sue him - and then when Matt sings Drake can't keep his eyes off of Matt's crotch.  
  
He knows that he's being obvious about it. He just can't seem to care.

Matt gets back to the table, and though Drake has his own arm wrapped around Matt's chair, Matt doesn't hesitate to settle into it, nor does he stop smiling when Drake half-hugs him and says, "World-class, Benny."

In fact, Drake thinks that maybe Matt smiles even bigger. But that might be the whiskey talking.

The night flies by after that. Matt finishes off the flask not long after (though he insisted Drake have the last sip, the beaut) and between the shots, the pictures, and a gag gift exchange, Drake realizes that he hasn't left Matt's side. And, maybe, that's just as much on Matt as it is on Drake.

He just - he just can't explain it. He loves Matty so damn much, he's so happy that they have each other. He's not sure if he's told Matt this before, so he tells him once, maybe twice. Matt needs to _know_ that Drake cares, that Drake would do anything for him.

When Drake says it, arm around Matt's shoulders, waist, whatever, Matt says it back. And he smiles at Drake, like he means it. Oh, Matty has the best smile ever. Drake could spend so long staring at Matt's smile. Maybe even longer than he could stare at Matt's crotch - but that's a toss-up.

"Ohh-kaaay," comes someone's voice, then the owner of that voice is pushing between Drake and Matt like he needs to break them up. Drake wants to tell him that it's not cool, that they're not doing anything _wrong_ , but then Pat grabs his shoulders. Oh, it was Pat talking, Pat breaking them up.  
  
Drake almost has enough sobriety left to think about _why_ Pat would be holding his shoulders, turning him just slightly away from Matt. _Can't be obvious_ , a voice in his head says. _Can't let anyone know you want Matt, not even Matt._

"You okay?" Pat asks Drake, and Drake nods. "You sure? Want me to call you an uber?"  
  
Drake thinks, turns to Matt. A bunch of the guys are taking the party elsewhere, to a club somewhere that doesn't sound nearly as good as Matt's apartment.  
  
"Matt?" Drake asks, getting Matt's attention. Matt blinks a couple of times and, oh, he looks so nice when he's all attentive and happy. Drake breathes and focuses on Pat's question. "D'you want Pat to get us an uber?"  
  
It makes sense to say _us_ \- Matt's place is less than a ten-minute drive from here - but Drake notices when Matt's eyes flash a bit, like Drake had implied something that he hadn't (had?) meant to.

"Yeah." Matt nods, turns his smile to Pat.  
  
Drake follows suit. "That'd be great, dude."  
  
Pat looks at Drake funny. Like he's trusting them with something big, like his credit card or something, and thinks they'll spend lots of money.  
  
Drake doesn't _want_ to spend money. He just wants to get in an uber with Matt and maybe sit really close and then maybe-  
  
"Alright," Pat concedes, and Drake hands over his phone. Pat opens the app. "There's one nearby. I'll walk you out."  
  
Drake and Matt say their goodbyes to those still hanging around, then follow Pat out. Pat stays between them and hands them each a bottle of water. The water's good, refreshing, cool.

It's cold out, _fucking cold as shit,_ Drake thinks, but the uber's parked right outside. Pat mutters something to Drake before they get in the car, but Drake doesn't catch it. It sounds happy, though. Encouraging. Drake feels a little happier by it, whatever it was.  
  
And then they're in the uber, buckling in on opposite sides of the car. Drake almost wants to reach a hand across to hold Matt's, but he puts them under his legs instead, knowing it'd be a bad idea.  
  
They smile at each other the entire way way. Drake finishes his water just as they pull up, and they thank the driver.  
  
They all but sprint up the stairs to Matt's floor, the icy chill of an Edmonton night in December freezing them immediately. Drake huddles closely behind Matt while Matt opens the door, a little sobered up by the water and the chill but still loose and happy and letting his emotions take the driver's seat.

He grabs Matt’s hips, holding on as they walk inside. Matt doesn’t pull away, just turns to face Drake once they’re a few steps past the doorframe. His nose and cheeks are bright pink, his hair tousled and sprinkled with snow, his eyes bright. Drake could get lost in the sight for hours.

“You have snow in your eyelashes,” Matt says.

“Oh,” Drake says. He doesn’t move his hands from Matt’s waist.

The staring contest, well. It doesn’t last long. Drake doesn’t know if he leans in the whole way - he thinks Matt leans forward a little too - but then their lips are touching, just the briefest brush of cool skin-on-skin.

Drake barely pulls away before Matt is chasing his lips again.

They kiss like they’re starving for it. Matt's lips are chapped but they draw Drake in, making him desperate and dizzy. He grips Matt's hips tighter and pulls them flush together, and Matt emits a small "oof" against Drake's lips. Drake wants to smile, would if he could, but he's too focused on keeping Matt close. They barely even break for air. Matt licks into Drake's mouth skillfully, and Drake gets the overwhelming urge to kiss the memory of every other person from Matt's lips.  
  
Matt moves a hand to the back of Drake's head, right where his hairline starts, and pulls just a little. Not away, not forcing Drake back, just pulls. Like he's holding on to Drake, like he needs him to stay.  
  
Making out with Matt is more than anything Drake could have imagined. More rough, more needy, more agonizingly good. It's almost on the brink of too much, what with the alcohol and built-up feelings that Drake is finally letting pour out.  
  
Matt spins them, pushing Drake against the wall. Drake's equally stunned by his back hitting the wall hard as he is by Matt's forcefulness. He likes it. A lot.

He also likes the way Matt looms over him, arms on either side of Drake's head and eyes dark and focused. It's not that Drake's so much smaller, but he feels protected, looked after. Like Drake is the only thing Matt cares about.  
  
"Matt," Drake whispers. He puts a hand to Matt's face, traces Matt's brow with his thumb. It's tender and slows the moment down enough that Drake finally feels like he can breathe. Matt looks a little crazed, a lot determined, as he looks between Drake’s eyes and mouth. Then, he leans in again.

This time, it’s slower, softer. Drake’s almost as breathless with it as he was when Matt had pinned him to the wall . There’s a heaviness between them that almost shouldn’t be, not when they’re this intoxicated. Something that could only be present if they both have wanted this for a long time. Drake sure as hell knows he wants this, so he kisses this into Matt’s mouth - the only way he knows how to communicate such a thing.

Matt’s breath catches, loud in the sudden quiet now that the blood has stopped pounding in Drake’s ears. Drake pulls Matt in a little tighter, savouring the moment. He knows, as sure as he knows he’ll have a hangover in the morning, that this isn’t going to go any further tonight. They’ll share Matt’s bed, Drake hopes, but the rush has passed, leaving them both content and maybe a little shy.

Sure enough, Matt pulls away after a few more deep kisses, then pecks Drake quickly on the lips, final. Drake follows Matt into the bedroom, not touching but close, and Drake strips down to his underwear while Matt pads to the bathroom to wash up.

Drake doesn’t care about that. He just curls himself under Matt’s soft, cool sheets, and holds on to consciousness while he waits for Matt to return.

Matt returns with a glass of water for each of them. Drake downs his in record time, while Matt drinks about half. Matt doesn’t hesitate to crawl into bed beside Drake. Drake’s pleasantly surprised to find that Matt prefers to be little spoon, and takes the opportunity to press a kiss into Matt’s hair.

“‘Night,” Matt mumbles, grabbing Drake’s hand and squeezing once.

Drake thinks he mutters a goodnight back, but sleep takes him too quickly to be sure.

\--

The hangover is gracious enough to wait until Drake is fully conscious before hitting him like a freight train. He’s thankful that there’s no light streaming in.

He stifles a groan in favour of burying his face into Matt’s back, between his shoulderblades. Matt is a really, really good cuddler and just subconsciously shuffles back against Drake, sleep-muttering as he does so. The contentment alleviates the ringing in his ears, at least.

Drake lets himself doze for a while longer, but is easily awoken when Matt shifts away.

“Mornin’,” Drake says roughly, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and shifting away from Matt. When he opens his eyes and gets a good look at Matt, all semblance of relaxation drops.  Matt’s lower lip is caught between his teeth, one of his telltale nervous habits that puts Drake’s back up.

“Morning,” Matt replies. Drake may have a headache, but no one would miss how nervous Matt sounds. “Did...did you sleep okay?”

Drake smiles, trying to hide that his heart is currently in his stomach. “Yeah. Thanks for, uh, letting me crash.”

“Of course.”

Silence.

“Uh-”

“We should-”

“Wait, you go first.”

“Oh, okay,” Matt agrees. “I think just… Well. This isn’t a good time for this, right?”

Drake hopes Matt means something different besides the obvious, so he tortures himself a little more by asking, “What d’you mean?”

Matt rolls to his back, rubs his face with his hands. “We just can’t right now. I like you. A lot. But you know we can’t.”

Drake swallows. Closes his eyes. Gathers enough courage to say, calmly, “I know.”

Matt looks to him, eyes a little wider. “Yeah?”

Drake nods, just a jerk of his head down, once. “Definitely. Don’t want to, you know, lose focus.”

“Yeah,” Matt says, voice tinged with something Drake can’t place. “Exactly.”

Drake doesn’t know how to make this situation any less awkward. He’s about to walk away from a...what? A one-night stand? One-night makeout and cuddle session? It feels like a lot more than just a one-night thing. A naive part of him had hoped it would be.

He settles for patting Matt once on the shoulder, rolling out of bed, and pulling on his clothes.

“Wanna stay for breakfast?” Matt asks.

Drake, the coward he is, pretends to check his phone and says, “I promised to call my mom this morning. I gotta jet. Sorry dude, rain check?”

Matt props himself up on his elbows, rubs his own eyes. “For sure. I’ll, uh, see you at practice tomorrow.”

Drake agrees, and bolts out of Matt’s apartment without looking back. He can order an uber in the lobby.

\--

Things are maybe a little awkward after that, no matter how hard Matt tries. Or, at least, sometimes it feels that way, like they step up to that precipice a few times and one of them glances away, or bowls on forward like they aren’t both aware of how they feel, of what they could be doing, _together_. Drake doesn’t resent it so much as he understands it.

It does mean that no magical best time to tell Matt about Drake’s own alter appears. He wants to; every time they’re together, Drake tries to psyche himself into it to no avail. It’s also just so easy to fall into the hockey season, to focus on the team and winning and showing why he deserves to be there. He hasn’t been sent down but the possibility is always floating in the back of his head. Matt hasn’t been sent down either, which is just as relieving and keeps Drake pushing forward.

Things are going consistently well by January, which is probably why it all go to shit on a plane ride to Ottawa.  
  
Okay, maybe that's a bit of an overstatement. But still, the splitting headache that forms almost instantly after they take off is enough for Drake's heart to drop. He knows what it means, knows even better what the consequences are if he ignores it. He could push it down for a little while, maybe until they’re at home, but if the nausea and all the other shit start to build up before then, then changing may not save Drake from the long-term consequences.

But, still, he's been meaning to tell Matt what his alter is ever since that first day, and doing it out of necessity rather than choice is just so fucking typical. He rubs his temples once, just to see if he can will it away, but the headache only worsens. It’s been too long since he’s last changed; the fact that he hasn’t had withdrawals yet is a miracle itself.  
  
"You okay?" Matt's says from the seat beside him. His voice is soft but concerned, and Drake's heart drops to his stomach.  
  
"I uh," Drake starts, then stifles a groan when the pain worsens. "I need to change."

Matt stiffens, but Drake knows it's from worry rather than discomfort when he whispers, "Can you? Like, is it safe to? Do you need me to get Davo?"

Drake shakes his head. "No, it'll be fine. Just, uh, hang outside the bathroom for me and open the door when, uh, you know." The _when I'm changed_ is implied, and Matt nods.  
  
Matt’s already being so kind, such a good friend to Drake, that Drake doesn’t know what may happen if Matt feels betrayed or even the slightest amount of hurt. Drake almost wishes that Matt were more indifferent about this - the comfort Matt’s presence offers as they get up from their seats only fuels Drake’s nerves, an oxymoron of the cruelest sense. Drake hopes Matt doesn't hate him after this.

They do end up getting Davo's attention on the way to the back. Drake shakes his head as Davo's whole body goes into Captain Protective mode. Drake's pretty sure no one knows what his alter is yet but it's not like a little puppy needs a warning. Davo settles back in his seat but keeps the air of fierce alertness. It reminds Drake so totally of Davo’s mountain lion and it helps put Drake’s mind at ease - nothing really bad can happen with Davo looking out for him.

Matt gives Drake a small, encouraging smile that Drake does not deserve just before Drake shuts himself in the cramped bathroom. The smell of the space is enough to pull Drake away from the pain of his headache. He focuses on the staleness, the general odour, while he undresses. He doesn't sit down once naked, just leans his head against the bathroom door and bends his knees, taking some pressure off of his feet.

Matt's talking to someone on the other side - Pat, Drake thinks - and Drake flushes. They have to be talking about him, whether he'll be too energetic and a nuisance or something equally as embarrassing. He drowns it out and does what he always does when he has to change: tries to pick apart the individual scents in the room.

The more he recognizes the individual scents of each source in the room - the toilet, the weak pine air freshener, the flowery soap - the more his headache subsides and his mood lifts. He's pretty good at this. He can even make out the some of the team’s scents. He knows some of them have opened some snacks, but can't actually place a name to any of them.

That's not okay. Drake should have _everyone's_ scents. The scents aren’t sharp enough; everything’s all muted, like a fuzzy radio signal. It makes Drake’s nose twitch, makes him whine a bit. It’s not quite right, not in this form...

Oh, much better! Drake is a lot smaller now but he can smell _so_ many more things. But this room smells too much like bad things. Drake wants to go out and smell good things, like his people. His _team._

The door makes really loud sounds when Drake scratches at it. Too loud, it hurts his ears. Drake doesn't like that at all. He starts whining for Matty; Drake can smell him right outside. Matty smells good, like grass and dandelions and tree bark. Drake barks to say hello, nice and loud so Matty can maybe say hello back.

Then Drake can _see_ Matty because Matty opens the door for him and yes! Drake can say hello for real now! He jumps up and puts his front paws on Matty's legs and yelps his hello. Matty scratches behind his ears and that feels _so good_. Matty should never stop doing that.

Drake's tail is wagging a lot; he loves Matty and Matty is smiling so Matt must love him back. But then Matty stops scratching his ears and bends down and that's not okay. Drake wants pets. He barks for Matty to keep going, but then Matty puts his hand over Drake's muzzle.

"Shh, no barking," Matty says. "You have to be quiet."

Drake whines and puts his tail between his legs. He doesn’t want to be bad, not when it means Matty’s mad enough to stop petting him. Matty makes a sound like “oh” and moves his hand from Drake’s muzzle to his back, petting him gently.

“Sorry,” Matty says, and he sounds sad too. Drake didn’t mean to make Matty so upset! “It’s okay, Drake. You’re still good.”

Drake licks Matty's face to apologize once more, just for good measure, and then licks it again when Matty smiles.

Someone else kneels beside Matty and yes, it's Patty! Patty is so great. He's so nice and smells like a campfire. Drake likes Patty. He wants to get more of his scent so he can recognize him always.

"Hey buddy," Patty says and scratches Drake's side. That feels really good. Drake sniffs Patty's hand and arm and then neck when Patty lets him get closer. Patty is really good at petting. Then Matty starts scratching Drake's head and ears again and Drake has never been happier. The only thing better would be if Matty would take him out of this kind of smelly place and to a big grassy place where they could run and chase and play all day.

Ooh, chasing! That sounds good. Drake wants to chase someone. But he needs to know who to chase, and there are so many options! He can see so many of his friends around, and they’re all so great. He needs their scents, though, so he can find them if they get too far away. Maybe if he goes to say hi they’ll let him scent them, and maybe if Drake is good they might even pet him. That would be perfect.

The closest friend is Oscar. Drake likes Oscar a lot. Oscar rubs Drake’s head while Drake sniffs his shoe, his pants, the little bit of skin that has a good scent of coffee and dirt. Larss is sitting beside Oscar and _he_ smells nice too. Drake is able to fit between their legs and the annoying and cold seats, but he only stays a moment. There are more friends across the aisle, and then more in front of them.

He goes along sniffing shoes and bags and hands and getting so many good pets. Matty is right there the whole time and Drake makes sure he stays close; Matty should get pets and love too.

Drake turns back again, looks up at Matty. He’s talking to Zack, but then turns his smile to Drake and says, “keep going, bud. I’m right behind you.” He sounds really happy, so Drake works on.

He gets to Cam, but Cam is sleeping, which isn’t okay. Drake can’t get pets from someone who’s sleeping! But before he can jump on Cam’s lap and wake him up, Drake smells something from across the aisle. Nursey has treats! Drake barks a little - just a little, he knows he still has to be quiet - and runs down the aisle to jump onto Nursey’s lap. He doesn’t get quite high enough - Nursey is up really, really high - but Nursey grabs him in time and places Drake really gently on his lap. Drake sits really nicely, even holds up his paw for Nursey to shake.

Nursey laughs and shakes Drake’s paw with the hand that doesn’t have the treat, then rubs Drake’s head. As nice as that feels, Drake’s mouth is watering. The treat smells like smoke and meat and salt and Drake wants it _now._

“This is _my_ beef jerky. Not for puppies,” Nursey says.

Well that’s just unfair. Drake wants the treat a lot! He huffs and tries to grab the treat with his mouth from Nursey’s fingers, but Nursey moves his hand away. That’s not nice. Nursey is so good but he is not very nice.

Then Matty is picking Drake up. It feels nice to be held but Drake wants the jerky. He starts to squirm but then Matty turns him and looks at him right in the eye.

“That’s not yours, Drake, that’s Nursey’s,” Matty says, really stern.

Drake deflates a little. He made Matty mad again. He doesn’t want to make Matty mad. He whines and stops squirming, dropping his eyes to look at Matty’s shirt.

“Hey,” Matty says softly, and when Drake looks back, Matty’s smiling. “Do you want to go say hi to some other guys?”

Drake’s tail starts wagging again because yes, that sounds good! He licks Matty’s face, happy and excited to share that happiness with Matty.

Matty laughs a little and crouches down to put Drake on the ground. He keeps a hand on Drake’s back so Drake can’t immediately race off and see Looch, who looks really warm and cuddly. “Just, no barking. Okay?”

Drake sits briefly to try to show Matty that he understands. Matty rubs his back and calls him good again and then Drake can run to see Looch, Matty trailing not far behind.

Looch is so great. So is Hendo. The two are sitting together and they let Drake sniff them and lick them lots, and then they let Drake lay down on the two of them for a belly rub. Drake can only wag his tail a little bit but that’s okay. This is so great. He races around to each team member in turn, sniffs at their shoes, happily accepts their ear scratches and belly rubs. They’re such good friends, such a good team, Drake is so lucky.

Coach comes over when Drake is getting another belly rub, this time from Drai. Coach smiles and scratches Drake’s head but then says, “You should change back before we land.”

Drake doesn’t really know what that means. Change? Like change who’s rubbing his belly? Doesn’t Coach know that Drake has already done that? Drake has everyone’s scents, too, even the ones who are sleeping! He doesn’t need to change anything.

Coach doesn’t smile when Drake just sniffs his hand, trying to get all of his scent too. He looks at Drai and then Matty and says, “Do what you can, okay?”

“Will do,” Matty says, which Drake doesn’t understand. What is Matty doing? Is Matty leaving? Matty shouldn’t leave.

Drake flips over and jumps down from Drai’s lap to sit on Matty’s shoe. Matty can’t leave if Drake is sitting on him. Drake whines; Matty should just take Drake with him. Yeah, that would be great. The best. Drake should go with Matty everywhere.

Matty bends down. “Hey,” he says, rubbing Drake’s back. “It’s okay. You’ll be okay.”

Matty has a nice voice. Drake likes him.

“Hey, Caggs!” someone calls. It’s Nuge, and he has a snack!

Drake licks Matty’s wrist and then races over to see Nuge because maybe Nuge will let him have some of the snack. He sits really, really patiently at Nuge’s feet. It’s hard, though. Drake has a lot of energy and he _really_ wants that jerky. His tail is wagging on the ground and his whole body is shaking, just a little bit.

“Come up!” Nuge allows, reaching down to lift Drake into his lap. Nuge holds out the treat to Drake and Drake eats it in one bite. It’s _so_ good. Drake licks Nuge’s face in thanks and then starts sniffing around Nuge’s body for more, but he can’t find any. Nuge laughs and confirms that there is none left.

Ebs, who’s sitting beside Nuge, calls Drake over. Drake hops onto Ebs’ lap and Ebs starts petting Drake slowly. It feels nice. It settles him a little, but not enough to completely erase the way Drake also wants to play.

“Drake,” Ebs says, and his voice is really nice to listen to too. Drake looks at him, panting a little bit. He’s kind of tired, and Ebs’ voice is kind of hard to ignore. “We need you to change back so you can be safe, okay? Can you be human again for us?”

The _change_ word starts to make sense, now. Drake can be a human, too. But he doesn’t really _want_ to. He likes getting ear scratches and belly rubs  and treats. He whines, tries to hide under Ebs’ arm, but Ebs holds him tight.

“Drake, I know you want to play hockey. If you change, you can play hockey!” Ebs argues.

Drake _does_ like hockey. He huffs as he drops his head. Ebs pets him a couple of times all down his back and Drake realizes now that Coach expects him to change back too, so it’s for the best that he does. He doesn’t whine, but he wants to as he walks slowly across Ebs’ and Nuge’s laps, then looks up to Matty before leaping to the ground. He walks to the smelly bathroom, going slowly so he can sniff a few feet along the way.

Matty opens the door for him and Drake walks inside slowly. He huffs once more but sits on the floor. He just thinks a lot about Ebs talking about change and human and hockey, and everything gets a little fuzzy.

And then he’s back, with no fucking clue how long he’s been out. He throws on his clothes, annoyed with how much better he feels, and tries to prepare himself for the impending coos from the guys and look of betrayal on Matt’s face.

Turns out, he’s not prepared at all for either.

Matt gives him a tight-lipped smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and steps out of his way, letting Drake get to their seats first. Drake gets a couple of smiles on his way back to his seat; no one is actually going to chirp him about it right now. Everyone seems happy though, relaxed. Drake can feel his face heating up but he just focuses on breathing deeply to keep calm. No one seems to really care, and Matt would’ve warned him if he’d done anything worth apologizing for.

They sit down and settle in for the descent but it’s awkward as all hell. Matt doesn’t look Drake in the eye, doesn’t say a word. He opens his phone and Drake does the same, but Drake just opens his photos and scrolls aimlessly. It’s a nervous habit, and he opens and shuts the app a couple of times before finally just putting his phone away. He doesn’t even know where to begin with Matt, so he diverts his attention elsewhere.

Nuge and Ebs are in the row in front of Drake, and Drake has a weird memory of Ebs right before turning back. Intrigued, Drake gets their attention.

“Sup?” Ebs asks.

Drake clears his throat, tries to ignore the thought that Matt is possibly eavesdropping. “This is a weird question but, uh, I kinda don’t usually remember stuff from... yeah. But I remember you talking to me. Anything I should know?”

Ebs and Nuge both smile kindly. “Nah,” Ebs answers. “Just needed you to change back for the descent, and I talked you into it.”

“You didn’t want to change back,” Nuge adds softly, like he knows Drake would want that to be a secret.

Drake smiles, though, and musters the courage to say, “That happens. It’s hard for most people to reason with a puppy, I guess. How’d you do it?”

Ebs looks a little lost for words, but Nuge cuts in. “He’s the alter whisperer,” he shares with a smile.

Drake nods. “Cool.”

They don’t play until the next day, so they have a free night in their hotel after their team dinner. Davo lets the guys know his room is open for the night - any guy who needs time in his alter is welcome to join, but Drake declines the offer. He tries not to show his surprise too acutely when Matt does the same.

Nursey throws a bag of beef jerky to Drake when they split off for the night with a smile. Drake can guess why.

He and Matt are road roomies, so they claim their typical beds - Drake by the window, Matt closer to the door.

Drake knows that the ball is in his court. He’s the one who screwed up. Twice, really. He shouldn’t make it three times.

Still, it’s so hard not to just go on his phone and turn on some music. Matt turns the TV to a sitcom and Drake thinks _do it now._ But he doesn’t. And then he thinks _okay, do it_ now. He allows this to go on, constantly looking at Matt while trying not to get caught, without actually starting any other conversation. He just - he just can’t have those kind, sad, honest eyes looking back at him.

Drake considers texting someone - Ebs, Pat, Davo. His mom, maybe. One of them should have some kind of advice about this. Drake just... fuck. He really doesn’t want to lose Matt as a friend, and it only makes it worse that he’s trying to deal with the crush that’s only getting worse as the days go on.

They get settled for bed early, but Matt keeps his phone and headphones out to watch some funny videos - his typical nighttime routine. They share a small smile but Matt averts his eyes quickly. Drake turns off the light and settles down on his side, facing Matt.

That leaves Drake’s lying there in the dark, the only light coming from Matt’s phone and the moonlight streaming through the half-covered window, his own voice screaming inside his head to stop being such a coward. To explain why he’s kept this from Matt, why this is Drake’s hang-up and nothing to do with how much he trusts him

Matt’s laughing softly about some joke in his video when Drake finally blurts out, “I don’t like my alter.”

Matt freezes, then flips over to look at Drake, and pulls out his headphones. “What?” he asks softly, like maybe he heard what Drake said but doesn’t believe it.

“I,” Drake starts again. For some reason, it’s harder to say it a second time. “I don’t like my alter. I don’t like changing. Never really have.” He tries to shrug, to hide a bit more under his bedsheets, but it doesn’t really work.

Matt locks his phone, puts it on the nightstand, and gives Drake his full attention. He doesn’t turn the light on, which Drake appreciates.

“Why?” Matt asks. He sounds tentative, maybe even scared. Drake’s heart plummets to think something like this would hurt Matt.

Drake takes a deep breath, says what’s been brewing in his head for years. “This one time, I was a puppy long enough that I missed a training session. I was too ashamed to own up to it, so I got benched for a game. After that, I made a promise to myself that my alter would never bother me again. But, sometimes, it does. It kind of sneaks up on me, and once that happens it messes up my focus. I… I can’t let it keep me from my dream.”

Matt shifts a bit, stays quiet for a few moments as if to let Drake say more. When he doesn’t Matt probes, “So, your alter doesn’t help you with that? You don’t feel better after changing?”

And, well, that’s a tough question. “Physically, I guess I do,” Drake concedes. “But no other way. It puts me off. I can’t even remember anything from when I change.That’s why I try not to change much, either.”

“Before today, when was the last time you changed?” Matt asks, sounding calm and curious, not like he’s about to write a tell-all book on Drake’s dumb behaviour.

Drake hesitates. “August?”

Matt lets out an audible gasp, and for good reason. Drake’s never heard of anyone going that long without changing before, besides himself.

“Yeah,” Drake confirms awkwardly.

It’s quiet for a minute. Neither of them really know what to say. Matt deserves more, though.

“I wanted to tell you,” Drake tries, his heart hammering fast in his chest. “I kept telling myself that you should know. That even though - I mean, I didn’t want to be that I was showing you because you showed me kind of thing, but I thought - um. I was... overwhelmed. You’re so happy and confident with your alter, and it’s like nothing else in the world matters. And I hear my alter’s the same, but I just don’t get _why_ I have that form. Mine’s over-excited and a bit stupid and _small.”_

He wants to tell Matt more, really. He wants to talk about about how he wants to kiss Matt and share a bed and hold each other more than just on the ice after a goal. But Drake’s become an expert in tamping down things that are ahead of their time and he bites back those words too.

Matt laughs, no more than a push of air. “Your alter’s definitely bigger than mine, dude. Just saying.”

Something about that simultaneously makes Drake smile and cringe. He didn’t mean it like that, but Matt probably gets that. “Oh yeah?” Drake asks.

“Totally, you’re a fuckin’ tank,” Matt replies, and Drake actually laughs. He doesn’t think he’s genuinely laughed about something regarding his own alter ever before. “And, newsflash” Matt continues, “you and me, we’re also kinda hockey-small. I don’t really think about my alter’s size as a problem. But I think I get it, even if I don’t, uh, get it.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Matt says. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel worse about your alter. That was never my -”

“No!” Drake interrupts, panicking. “Benny, dude, that’s not what I meant at all. You’re great, and probably the reason I’m not completely messed up about today’s whole shitshow on the plane.”

It’s true, but Drake didn’t know he was about to say something so raw. By the way Matt stays silent, Drake’s laid out more of his soul than either of them were planning on, like, ever.

“I’m glad I could help,” Matt replies, too soft, too detached.

Drake’s mind is racing with what to say, how to feel, what to do. He lays still, though, and just says, “me too.”

They lay there, on the edges of their own beds, as close as they can be without being nearly close enough, until Drake’s eyelids get too heavy and he falls into a deep sleep.

\--

If Drake thought things had been awkward between Matt and himself after their pseudo-one-night-stand, he couldn't put into words how stilted their relationship became after the airplane incident. The worst part is he knows it's just as much his fault; his guilt is causing him to avoid Matt at all costs, which only makes things worse. He’d thought that their talk had smoothed things out, but then Looch hosts a party and Matt, in his alter form, avoids Drake the whole night. When he sees Drake, he puts his tail between his legs and paws at the nearest person to be picked up.

Drake can take a hint, is what he’s saying.  
  
Shit, Drake realizes, Matt probably thinks Drake hates him now, what with the way he's been distancing himself. It's textbook alter's regret.  
  
But it's fine. It's cool. Matt is obviously still the happy-go-lucky guy he always is with everyone, so Drake must not have made that much of an impact on his life. Now Drake can focus wholly on hockey, just like he's always wanted.  
  
\--  
  
Drake hadn't really ever doubted it, not with the air in the room all year, but it still feels out of this world when they clinch playoffs. Almost immediately after the media clear out, Ebs announces a team BBQ at his and his girlfriend's place on their next night off.

Drake turns to Matt to ask if he can bring his mom's macaroni salad, but Matt's already laughing about something with Nursey, soft and light and happy.  
  
It's fine. Drake can just hope that Matt will bring macaroni salad.  
  
Ebs sends a text to the group chat on the day of the BBQ reassuring guys that they can spend the night, even change if they'd like because of Ebs' massive backyard. Drake's first thought is Matt. Will Matt change? Will Matt expect Drake to change? Fuck, when will he be able to just get over this?

When Drake arrives at Ebs’, most of the guys are already there. Nuge, in his fox form, jumps on Drake’s back as soon as he walks in the door. It knocks Drake off balance - Nuge isn’t small - but Nuge jumps off almost as quickly as he jumped on, back on to the shelf just beside the door.

Lauren, Ebs’ girlfriend, greets Drake at the door. She gives him a hug and it sooths a little bit of the anxiety in the pit of his stomach.

“I brought beer,” he offers lamely.

She smiles, kind and open. “I’m sure there’s a cooler with plenty of room on the back porch or the fridge is right through there. Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

He nods and she turns her attention to Nuge, fake-scolding him for scaring Drake. Nuge swishes his tail and darts away, and Lauren shakes her head before walking off to work her magic elsewhere.

Drake splits off to beeline for the backyard, greeting the guys along the way. It’s a good thing that Ebs’ house is huge, because there is no way this could work otherwise. Nursey and Hendo are on music as usual, and they’ve somehow rigged up a speaker system to run the entirety of the first floor and, as Drake gets to the patio doors, the entire backyard. Drake’s not entirely surprised to see most of the guys have changed to their alters, but he is surprised to see Looch’s bear form curled up in Ebs’ sitting room corner.

Drake waves and Looch perks up a bit, so Drake walks over and kneels down to say a hello. Looch makes a rumbling sound that Drake thinks means he’s happy, so Drake promises to come back and hang out later. It’s funny, Drake thinks, that he gets almost the same scared-but-safe vibe from both of Looch’s forms.

Oscar comes running up the steps as Drake is putting his beer away, acknowledging Drake with a nod.

“Have you seen Benny?” Drake asks, and isn’t surprised when Oscar’s face lights up.

“Yeah,” Oscar replies happily, “he’s just trying to chase Kass around.”

Sure enough, Drake hears a bark that definitely belongs to Matt and then sees Kass, in his bunny form, darting across the backyard with Matt not-so-hot on his heels.

Drake smiles, but stays rooted in place. “Thanks, man. Gonna change?”

Oscar shrugs. “Maybe later. Gotta finish kicking Nursey’s ass at beer pong, first.”

“Have fun,” Drake says. He considers going over to watch, maybe see if he can hang out with Matt at the same time, but something stops him. He grabs a couple of his beers and walks back into the house, back to Looch.

He’s better than this. He’s not going to hang off of Matt’s every move, even if staying away makes his stomach unsettled.

Beer should help with that. Right?

He settles down against Looch and starts up a one-sided conversation about workout plans and new recipes he’s been trying out. He’s nursing his second beer when Matt - still in his puppy form - comes walking up slowly. His tail is between his legs and he won’t meet Drake’s eyes, so all sorts of red flags go up in Drake’s mind. Matt must be here to see Looch - he finds just as much comfort in Looch’s presence as Drake does - and it’s not like Matt would want to see Drake, of anyone.

Drake tries to push himself up off the ground, but the combination of Matt whining and Looch growling ominously makes him pause and sit back down. He settles back against wearily, opting for cross-legged. Matt sits right in front of Drake, front legs tickling Drake’s shins, but keeps his gaze down.

“What’s wrong, Matty?” Drake asks, placing the beer can on the ground beside him.

Matt whines, licks at Drake’s hand. He doesn’t seem hurt in any way, so Drake’s entirely uncertain what to say. Instead, he starts scratching Matt’s head lightly, then moves to petting Matt’s back when Matt scoots closer. Drake’s hand is almost big enough to cover Matt’s entire body. Matt settles into it more, even starts wagging his tail slowly back-and-forth.

There’s a tension in the air, here, one that Drake thinks might be entirely his own fault. He knows he’s the only one who can actually fill the silence, but that doesn’t mean he knows what to say. He starts talking about the party a bit, about how this reminds him of other parties he’s been to in college, and Matt’s ears perk up a bit. Maybe it’s just the happier tone of Drake’s voice, maybe the stories are cueing some memories in Matt’s puppy brain, but things start to feel more relaxed, settled. Looch’s breathing gets deeper and deeper, and something about the moment - the way Drake’s incredibly comfortable using Looch’s sleeping form as a giant pillow, the slight buzz he has going, the way Matt is perfectly happy with Drake right now - makes Drake feel a little looser. Though there’s noise and guys and alters all around them, Drake feels like they’re in some kind of protective bubble.

With this security comes a little part of Drake’s brain telling him that now’s the time to finally start being truthful with Matt. This is safe; it’s not like Matt will remember anything specific that Drake says.

 _Come on, Drake._ He tells himself. _This is like...practice. Yeah, practice, for when you actually get the courage to tell Matt - human Matt - how you feel._

“You know,” Drake says, returning to scratching behind Matt’s ears, “you’re my best friend, Matt.”

Matt looks up, his big, brown eyes wide and blinking. He yips once, then scrabbles up Drake’s chest as best he can to lick Drake’s chin. Drake’s heart lurches for a second; he knows Matt can only kind of understand him right now, but Drake can’t help but think what Matt just did was return the sentiment.

Now that Matt’s awkwardly situated on Drake’s chest, legs balances on Drake’s stomach, Drake changes to scratching Matt’s sides. Matt likes that a lot, his tail wagging faster as Drake continues.

He takes a deep breath and continues talking.

“I’m really lucky to have you,” Drake says, the words coming easily - like they’ve always been there, waiting to be spoken. “You make everyone around you happy, especially me. I don’t know how I could have stayed sane this year without you. I don’t want to play on a team that doesn’t have you on it.”

Matt’s settled down on Drake’s lap now, with Drake petting him absently. He looks like he’s listening intently, which almost makes it harder for Drake to keep going. He just reminds himself that this can be, like, practice for when he actually gets the courage to say something to Matt the human.

"I...I know I messed up, too. No matter what you say, I don’t have a good explanation for not telling you about my alter. It wasn’t bros.” He takes a breath. “And then I made it all about myself afterwards. I’m sorry, Matt. It’s not that I didn’t trust you, I trust you a lot, always have.”

He feels lightheaded, like the truth is too much to vocalize. He pushes on, though, determined.

“I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but I don’t want to wait for the end of the season to be with you. I don’t want to wait another minute. I want to be with you now.” He realizes what he’s just said, how there’s no going back now. “Uh, yeah. I want to be your boyfriend. Even though I really don’t deserve it. You. I don’t deserve you.”

Matt’s been staring intently, but for Drake’s last sentence, Matt freezes. He blinks a few times, then bolts down the hallway. Drake’s stomach sinks so fast it’s a physical ache. He gets up slowly, follows Matt. He doesn’t have to look far. The first door on the right is just barely ajar, with the lights off. Drake opens the door and sees Matt standing there, back to him and bare-ass naked.

“Shit!” Drake exclaims, then slams the door shut. Once he’s done that he realizes just how much he must’ve spooked Matt, and that walking in on someone naked isn’t something to lose your marbles over. Except when that someone was a puppy not a minute prior.

“It’s okay,” Matt says, voice muffled through the door. “I’m, uh, decent now.”

Drake still opens the door gingerly, stepping in slowly. He doesn’t turn on the light when he walks in because Matt’s turned on a lamp on the bedside table.

Matt’s staring back at him, eyes wide, hands in his own lap as he fidgets on the edge of the bed.

“Think you set a record for your fastest change,” Drake jokes, trying to ease the obvious tension between them.

“What happened?” Matt asks, barely louder than a whisper.

“What do you mean?” Drake asks, trying to hide the rising panic in his stomach.

Matt shakes his head and squints his eyes, like he’s trying to remember. “You said...something. I knew I had to change back to talk about it. But I don’t know what it was.”

“Oh.” Drake’s throat goes tight. It’s now or never, then. “I said I wanted you. Uh, want you. To be my boyfriend.”

Matt nods, stands up. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Oh...kay?” Drake says. This is awkward; it has to be awkward because there’s no way Drake just gets what he wants. But now Matt’s standing right in front of him, eyes narrowed just slightly.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Matt says, like he’s trying to convince himself just as much as Drake.

Drake searches Matt’s face. “And what about tomorrow?”

Matt’s eyes widen, but he doesn’t move away. “I’ll kiss you tomorrow too, and the day after that, and the day after that. However long you’ll let me.”

Drake doesn’t bother replying, just grabs Matt by the front of his shirt and smashes their lips together. It’s awkward and too hard and all teeth to start, but then they soften into it and it’s like the first kiss that Drake’s watched in every romcom ever - soft, knee-buckling, world-stopping. He doesn’t even care if someone walks in on them, can’t even think past this moment, this perfect kiss that seems to seal something more than just their relationship.

Matt deepens it, and Drake lets him. They move together, hyper-focused on each other. Drake has no idea how much time has gone by when Matt finally pulls away, but they’re both panting just slightly.

“Your place?” Matt asks.

“Fuck yes,” Drake replies, and grabs Matt’s hand, leading him out of the room, past the mess of the party, and out the door.

\--

“Thanks again for taking us, Ryan,” Matt says from the passenger seat of Nuge’s car.

Nuge takes the final turn into the parking lot. “No problem. This spot is definitely your safest option, plus I’ll be there the whole time.”

Drake unbuckles his seatbelt, grabs the bag of supplies and blankets he and Matt had packed. “Sounds awesome. Can’t wait.”

Nuge leads them through some trees until they’re far from any running path. Drake has to admit that the River Valley is gorgeous, and smells _amazing._ He feels safe already, and they’re not even at the clearing that Ryan had told them about yet.

Matt grabs his hand, and Drake squeezes it. Playoffs are so close that Davo almost ordered Drake to changing, just to take the edge off.

The truth is, Drake was going to do it regardless of Davo’s captainly talk. He wants to know how his and Matt’s alters will get along (though he guesses swimmingly, they’re _puppies_ ), and ever since he and Matt cemented their relationship, the resentment he had felt towards his own alter has slowly subsided. Drake doesn’t really want to question it. He just smiles as they reach the clearing, a beautiful stretch of grass that looks too perfect to be real.

Nuge lays down a large blanket and settles himself on it, immediately going on his phone to snap a picture of the spot. To send to Ebs, Drake guesses. Nuge had mentioned that he and Ebs had come here a lot before. Drake didn’t pry.

Drake turns to Matt and is rewarded with one of Matt’s most heart-meltingly sweet grins, dimples and all. Drake kisses him, indulgent.

“How d’you want to do this?” Drake asks.

Matt shrugs. “Cuddling on a blanket works for me, if that works for you.”

Drake agrees - how could he not - and they get settled on their own blanket, Matt with his head on Drake’s chest, their legs tangled together.

Drake takes in a deep breath. Relaxation finds him easily, and it’s not another moment before he’s noticing the enticing scent of the dandelions in the grass.


End file.
